Why did I turn to God in my despair?

In my mid-forties, my life was spiraling out of control. I was suffering from the adult effects of child abuse. I no longer wanted to live. I read dozens of self-help books and went through seven years of therapy but was no better. Nothing seemed to relieve the feelings of hopelessness.

Even though I was considering suicide, there was something in me that wanted to survive. A little voice kept telling me things can change, get better, do not give up. I thought I had tried everything, but I had not tried God. The idea of God seemed so abstract, unreal, but I had tried everything else, what did I have to lose, so I decided to check into this thing called God. He was my last resort.

In the beginning, I felt my search for God was taking time from the essential things in my life, working, taking care of my daughter, and my home. What I didn’t realize, at the time, was that God underlies all these things, supports them and makes them better. As I started to gain a better understanding of God’s infinitude and allness, little things began to improve in my life.

The first thing that changed was that I was so involved in my research, thoughts of ending my life vanished. Through my research, I became more engaged in understanding who I was as a spiritual idea of God, instead of being so concerned about my welfare as a human being. Now I know that may sound irresponsible, but I was learning that was the most responsible thing I could do. It was lifting me humanly out of despair and was making me a better person and mother.

Jesus taught us not to be concerned with our mortality, but to embrace our immortality as the likeness of God. Jesus prayed to God for everything from food, supply, health, and protection, and it benefited all those around him.

I was learning that sometimes getting out of my comfort zone is what God requires. My comfort zone was based on my past and causing all my grief. I had to let go of insecurities, labels, habits, and an addiction I had to protect myself, and turn it all over to God. Before I could do that, I needed to learn to trust him and have faith that he would not desert me in my time of need.

I was learning what faith was, and it is better than belief. I could believe anything, but if I didn’t have the understanding to back it up, I could not have faith it would work for me. Belief without understanding is Blind. Belief with understanding is powerful, and you can have faith in it. I was learning I could depend on God, and if I wanted my human life to be peaceful and happy, I need Him, as I certainly was not achieving that on my own. 

The understanding I was gaining was based on logic and reason. Then I would test the results. I found if I applied what I was learning to my life and held to it without wavering, my life changed for the better—baby steps at first.

When I was a child, my father described me a stupid and ignorant. So, I grew up believing that and almost failed out of school. The abuse had me so tormented I could not function.

I started to learn that God, Mind, would not and could not create ignorance. So, if he created me, I could not be ignorant, as God creates only good. I held to this idea, without wavering, until I began to see improvement in my abilities. I started functioning on a much higher level. I was understanding things now that, in the past, would baffle me. I was demonstrating my God-given intelligence for the first time. What a revelation, holding to the truth of who I am, as God’s child, worked.

In the past, I was not very social, as I didn’t want people to see how dumb I was. Now many things changed; I got better jobs, was more social, and talked more. I was happier, and my fear of people lessened. These improvements were all the result of one thing. Knowing that God was the source of intelligence, and since I am his expression, likeness, image, I was intelligent. My human father was wrong.

I started to apply this method to other misconceptions I had about who I was. With each demonstration, my life improved. 

Out of my desperation, I turned to an unknown God, and got to know him, and understand Him. In doing so, I understood myself and others better. He underlies every aspect of my life. “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matt. 6:33) This is so true. Because I turned to God in everything I did and knew who I was as his image, I was delivered from my despair. I was relieved of depression, anxiety, and my fear of people; I gained happiness and peace.

You can experience this too. Trust and have faith in God.